I wrote a creative piece many moons ago. It was when I was undergoing treatment for infertility. In this post I would like to explain how it relates to the forum I discovered in that time, and how it ‘saved’ me from my darkest moments.
Faith is a huge issue when dealing with IF. No matter how religious you are somehow others will find ways to question your faith (going for treatment for some means you don’t have faith or trust in God). Even you will question your faith or question your status in Gods eyes, as things become hard for you and seem so easy for other’s. (Until you become enlightened and discover what it really means to be faithful and completely trust)
Please read the story first; Arzu
She wakes up in a cold, dark space. She had been beaten but feels only numb. << Referring to Arzu’s mental and emotional state, beaten; fits of rage, numb; depressed) Confused, she looks around with no idea what to do or where to go. She calls out but has no voice. <<She wants help but doesn’t know who to speak to or what to do) Her head is heavy, congested with many thoughts racing through her mind. <<what if’s, options/ lack thereof). This place she is in, seems wide, she can’t see but can tell. <<She doesn’t know how long or short this journey will be, it’s completely out of her control.)
In the distance is a constant drip starting somewhere above and eventually landing in a puddle. <<something trying to motivate her but she doesn’t recognize it due to depression/ mental state) The drip bothers her and she starts feeling hopeless, with this she faintly sinks onto the hard ground, feeling weaker. <<giving in to hopelessness)
Just then a breeze brings a whisper, it says, it knows how she feels, unable to move or think. “How long do you intend to hurt yourself? It’s been so long already. How many disappointments do you plan to go through? <<failed treatments, negative results) Can you not see what it’s doing to you? << this is her doubts speaking. It wants her to just give up)
The voice sounded like hers but she wasn’t sure. “Think logically now. If destiny predetermined your future, what is the point of praying for an outcome of your choice? <<If God already has your future planned, whats the point in praying for what you want?) Clearly it is not in your destiny to meet your goal. <<Clearly God doesn’t want her to have a child) So why do you keep wanting what you can’t have? Be happy with your fate. Accept it.” <<Stop praying, let it go)
Goal, what goal?
Then she remembered, her innate powers, cast her to a war she didn’t know of. << Her desire to have a baby, lead her to Dr’s that discovered she’s infertile, something she never thought she’d have to deal with) Here she was instructed and forced into a life she didn’t plan for, a life she doesn’t want but her abilities bind her. << She didn’t plan to have this medical condition, this isn’t how she wanted to start a family but her maternal instincts and desire to reproduce forces her to pursue ‘her mission’) Loyalty and submission to the Task Force was irrefutable. She’s conflicted with emotions, having no choice but to succumb to her inborn fervor to conquer, <<fervor to carry a child, to give birth to a new life) yet she just wants to live a normal life. << couldn’t she just get married, move into a picket fenced house and make babies? It seems so simple)
“It’s hard.” Arzu said. “I don’t want to feel this way, I want to be at ease, it’s just, I have this ache.” She put a fist to her chest. She felt broken inside. “I want the hurt to stop” << disappointment and frustration)
The voice <<of doubt) got louder; “I’m telling you now! Accept your fate.” Arzu then thought of what a failure she was, never being able to finish what she starts. What makes her think she deserves victory? <<maybe she doesn’t deserve a child of her own) Still, how could she give up when she hardly tried? <<There were still other treatment options)
Thinking of all her fellow soldiers,<<fellow infertile’s met on forum) she hasn’t gone through half of what they have. She needed to try harder but felt she couldn’t cope.
Memories flashed before her again. She never knew this world of warriors even existed before.<<She never gave this a thought, people in her circle just never had these problems) She remembered how they welcomed her and the promise of victory she felt.<< forum members) But in war there is no promise. <<no treatment guarantees success) There were battles, there was pain, and there was hope then torture. <<treatment was not only physically invasive and uncomfortable but wearing and emotionally harrowing) One night she was battered by the enemy so badly, <<enemy being depression) she was sure it was the end. But her comrades picked her up & carried her to safety.<< encouragement from forum members) It felt so lonely lying on the battle field dying. << when you’re alone with your thoughts and nobody understands what you’re going through). Arzu was so grateful to have them there <<they can relate and always know what to say) even though she wished these wonderful beings were not here in this situation, none of them were here by choice. <<of course not) Several of them had gone through even worse than Arzu. <<and still are) It was grace and mercy that saved her then. <<she regained hope)
Now she sat up in the dark cave, wondering how she came to be here. Where was her legion? Then she realized; she was captured by the enemy in the most devious way, it encompassed her without her even realizing it. By some evil sorcery, it made her turn on herself. Even with her heightened senses, she didn’t feel it sneak in. <<she didn’t realize her thoughts were turning negative because she was so busy planning and researching ‘what to do next’)
This was her weakness and foolishness, so devoted to her mission, her vigilance faltered. She lost sight of her surroundings, obsession consumed her. << the obsession of an infertile)
Perhaps the war could be blamed but delusion set in. Dreaming about victory at any given moment <<dreaming about tiny hands brushing her face when she slept, imagining what it would feel like, smell like, so fragile, so beautiful) & when reality hit, << the reality that she may never know what that feels like, smells like, never see its beauty) she’d spiral losing hope, losing sanity. <<depression, anger, jealousy, putting relationships at risk; spouse, friends, family) This is when the enemy took hold. After being captured, she fought but their tricks were cunning. They offered her comfort; they offered her peace, on condition that she surrenders. <<She thought if she could just let go of this obsession, if she could just give up the idea of having her own baby… maybe she could go back to being happy again)
With months that pass by she felt weaker but despite a cure available to her <<cure being – to give up) she was determined to not give in. They then took her with a raft over deep dark waters, throwing her into a cave. <<she’s remembering how she fell into ‘the cave’ of depression) She recalled now, falling down into darkness. There was nothing she could do but fall.
Now she was here with foggy mind clearing ever so slightly. She sat quietly, gathering her thoughts.
Loud and clear as crystal the voice stated, “this is not you giving up, it’s just logic!” Your fate has been decided, there’s no alternative!” This made sense to Arzu. The voice continued; “let this go. Stop fighting, just be free. Accept your fate.”
As dark as it was the cave seemed to get darker. Arzu was confused again. She wasn’t sure if this was her decisions she was making or whether it was tricks. <<does she really want to give up? Her mind says yes, her heart says no) She didn’t know what she wanted anymore. She felt a strong, desperate urge to give up. <<to let go of unhappiness)
“No!” This was a different voice now; a girl. <<Hope, saying ‘NO don’t give up’) A shimmer of light radiated from her. “I’m still here. I’m still here.” Arzu looked at the familiar face. Rubbing her eyes with her scrawny fingers, <<She feels weak and scrawny due to lack of will to live) she looked closer. The girl approached her and she suddenly felt able to lift herself up. <<she got strength somehow) This girl was young Arzu, an innocent from a happier place. Young Arzu was reaching out to the bleak woman facing her.
This girl was abandoned a long time ago.<<the happy, carefree part of herself) When exactly it happened Arzu didn’t know but how can she abandon her now, when she reached out, so full of light and warmth. “No!” said Arzu to the voice. <<She’s standing up to her doubts, determined again) “I will not accept! I will see my victory, I will heal <<physically giving her body a break and emotions time to settle) and I will fight. <<will go back for treatment) In darkness I will use every resource in me to create my own light!” <<will stay positive) The light from young Arzu grew brighter. She reached out and offered her hand to the weak woman. <<faith giving her a hand)
With all her might Arzu lifted her heavy arm. The moment their hands merged into one, Arzu was sucked into a vortex. <<she decided to trust God, having full faith that things will work out.) Twirling at a dizzying speed upwards, she felt the spell tearing away from her. <<release from depression and heavy burden of unhappiness) A blinding light then faded away and revealed to her a cobble footpath in a green meadow. <<mental and emotional peace regained) She walked along taking in the sweet fragrance of the wild flowers. <<appreciating what she already had and being satisfied with that alone)
This path branched off at irregular intervals but Arzu knew that no matter which one she took, she would not be led astray. <<various decisions still to make, but always keeping positive, keeping faith) The light radiated from every direction.
At the foot of a bridge she saw her partner and felt complete. << her spouse who was there all along, she was never alone) “An injured soldier is no good in battle.” Her partner said. “It’s time to heal.” <<Her well-being is his main concern) Arzu looked up and whispered; “you’re right, for my own good I must heal and when I’m ready. I will complete my mission.” <<she will never give up)