I absolutely hate having a phobia. Its such an unnecessary weakness. I mean what is it with phobias?
What’s strange is that I seem to have developed certain fears as I’ve grown up. One would assume that as a child you would be fearful of the unknown and then learn about it and realize there is no harm in it. Or perhaps one has a bad experience and as a result, acquires an aversion or fear.
I have a fear of heights or more accurately, a fear of falling. As a child I climbed trees and hiked up mountains with no regard to any consequence. I never fell from somewhere high before but I am very wary when on a balcony or similar. I wouldn’t sit on the wall or stand too close to the edge. I suppose my balance isn’t what it used to be and I therefore feel slightly out of sorts when looking down. It’s as if the ground below is pulling me toward it. It’s just strange. However I wouldn’t define that fear as a phobia.
The reason for this is because I have in recent years developed a very unexpected aversion to maggots. Just typing the 7 letter word makes my skin crawl. An image of the disgusting movement the creature makes gets my stomach in a knot. When seeing these vile vermin in a group as they so often are found, I tend to lose control of myself. My breathing becomes irregular, my skin ‘crawls’ I become jittery, I imagine them all over me and start wiping at my clothes and skin uncontrollably. I get nauseous and hysterical. Eventually I shake and cry. Seeing just one stray maggot… well, I’ll be out of that place so fast, I’ll even leave my baby in his cot without even considering to fetch him first. (Yep that happened)
I have no control over it.
The aversion or dislike of this THING has extended to other innocent worm-like creatures. I was never the type of person to hold an earthworm in my hand and call it cute but I studied horticulture at one point in my life so I inevitably would have had to work it. That didn’t bother me. However, I cannot bear to look at it now. I don’t think I’d even be able to look at the diagram they gave us in primary school. It repulses me to no end.
The movement they make, their anatomy, their existence on this planet makes me sick to my stomach.
This morning, one of the random garden centipede/worm-with-many-legs thing found itself on the keypad of the security gate at work. Nobody will believe the disgust I felt that moment. I tried to brave it out. I took my car radio’s remote and punched the number it was on. It moved. OH MY GOOOOOOOOODDD. I have to calm myself just reliving the memory. The more I tried the more nauseous i became. Eventually a colleague arrived and was kind enough to press the buttons WITH HER BARE HANDS.
I hate having a phobia but I guess it could have been worse. At least it’s not something that gets in the way of my daily living.
Excuse me, I now need to make myself some sweet tea and look at pictures of something artificial like buildings and cars.