Indescribable Love

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You are my son, my first child, my only child. There is nothing more precious to me than you. 
Dear boeta
 
The internet is alive with talk on bonding with babies and how some people find it hard. I had the same concern before you were born. I wondered what you would look like, what you would smell like, how your voice would sound. I tried to imagine what the weight of your little body would feel like in my arms. Then I wondered about the emotional bond we would have.

Farrie Maternity (10)

 
Sitting there with an over inflated belly, feeling alien movement inside that was completely out of my control, was so strange. You were inside me but you were not me, you were a separate being just borrowing the safety of my womb till you were ready to experience the outside world. I didn’t know you.
I tried to compare the love I have for my nephews to the love I may have for you but it didn’t fit. How could I love someone I don’t know? Yes you were my child, a child I yearned for and cried for, for 3 years. And there I was finally pregnant but emotionally severed from you. Sure I love all the children of the world and wish I could save all of them from any bad thing that could ever happen to them, but that’s just a general feeling for all humankind. 
Then you were born
Baby sleeps
 
As I sit here now, 17 months after your birth, I still cannot put into words what our relationship is like. My love for you is vast, with no beginning or end in sight.
Everyday your personality develops and you become your own person. I am fascinated by what you find fascinating, I appreciate that you appreciate my dry sense of humor (yes as small as you are) and I burst with pride every time I recognize what you’re capable of without adult assistance.
However, sometimes I feel detached and don’t see myself as a mother but just a girl, trying to figure out her own life and purpose in this world. I can’t fathom that you were conceived inside my body and carried by me and were born from me. It seems like such an outlandish thing because there you are almost half my length, running around, living your own life. Thinking about it that way makes me realize that we still have a very long way to go. You depend on me and on your father to teach you and guide you. You may seem strong willed but you are still a baby and still very impressionable.
 

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I told your dad last night that even though you can’t speak yet, you understand us so 
well. Imagine if someone from another country were to suddenly raise you with another language. You would be confused at first but soon enough you’ll know that language and may very well forget that you ever knew English, forget you ever knew us.
It’s such a unique position to be in as a parent. Its a huge responsibility, not only to take care of you but also to make sure that you grow up to be the best version of yourself and a productive member of society.
 
Coming back to the bond between us, just me and you; of course I can only speak for myself. Our relationship is unique. My love for you can’t be compared to another mother’s love for her child. I know I love you. I know that if any person were to harm you in a vile and sinister way that I would become Satan himself and bestow hell upon that person. But I also know that I have put your life in Allah SWT’s protection and there is no better protection. I am human and there is a limit to what I can do to take care of you and that what ever happens outside of my reach is Allah’s will. So yes I love you deeply but the love I feel right now for you is merely the tip of an iceberg. As you mature and become a teen, then adult our relationship will change. I will get to know you and fall in love with you everyday. As you grow you will choose how you want share yourself with me and the world, yet I will love you even more.IMG_8774
 
As your mother I make an oath to you to provide for your needs on every level I am able to. My goal is to protect you but also to teach you to protect yourself. To raise you with good morals and values. To equip you with the life skills you need to be successful & I have faith that you will make the right choices in life with my guidance and advice always available.
 
Therefore I’ve come to conclude that the bond between us is constantly developing and cannot be measured or described. All I know is that I want you to have a wonderful life, and it starts with us right here and now. 
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6 responses to “Indescribable Love

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