I love how some people can take the most ordinary or uneventful experience and turn it into a ‘magical/dramatic/OMG-you-won’t-believe-what-happened’ moment.
I’m just not like that. I’m a woman of few words. Even writing this at this present moment is more than I would actually say in a conversation. I would have stopped at the end of the first paragraph.
I guess this is why I don’t have friends and my husband says I don’t ‘talk’ to him.
There is so little to say. My life is predictable, mundane but I like it. I’m comfortable in my zone and have nothing to share. Even when I do, I don’t.
This is why it’s so hard for me to start a meaningful blog. It’s something that I wish I could do as I’ve been browsing and following for years but… I just don’t know what to ‘say’. It’s like that awkward moment at a party where you don’t know anybody and just stand against a wall with a drink in your hand and act cool.
One could say I’m more of an observer. When I had friends they described me as funny and crazy. I’m more reserved now. I used to be an artist; believe it or not, I have a portfolio to prove it… somewhere in my parent’s house.
Just last night I thought about the fact that I don’t even sing in the shower anymore. Why? I’m scared. Afraid of being judged, afraid of letting my guard down, afraid of letting people see the real me.
One day at work (my current place of employment) a colleague told me after seeing pictures on my phone that I’m so different than what he thought I was. The thing is, me guarding myself so much and being reserved has taken over my life. Even at home, I no longer dance in front of the mirror and sing at the top of my lungs because I don’t want to disturb anyone.
I think this all started when I got my first job, fresh out of high school, clueless of the real world. I was so uncomfortable around my stuck-up boss (that I shared an office with) that I was even too scared to take a lunch break in fear that she might disapprove, because she never took breaks! She always bad mouthed staff who took leave and called them lazy, consequently for a full year I didn’t take one day off (also I didn’t know how the leave system worked, I thought I had to earn it somehow) I couldn’t be myself around her, I always had to be professional, I hated it. I don’t blame her though, she wasn’t aware of how strict she was. She was kind to me, in her own way.
This being the main trigger for my ‘professional’ persona, I maintain, as you get older, yes you should change. You should become more responsible and considerate of everyone and everything around you. Consider consequences etc.
Now that I’m a mother I’m even more considerate and careful. But where does one draw the line? How far do you take the mature adult behavior vs. the spontaneous childish behavior?
At work vs. home, at a family function vs. work function, at the mall vs. the beach, at a house party vs. a dinner party… how do you change your personality to suit those places or situations in such a way that you don’t go from one extreme to the other. How does one remain a pleasant colleague without being too personal or playful at work and not be too reserved either?
In conclusion I’ve decided that I should actively try to be more care-free, more spontaneous. Oh just the thought of being spontaneous makes my skin crawl! I need to schedule the day I can be spontaneous. Gosh I need help.
PS: In my attempt to be more dramatic I relay a true story of valor here: http://wp.me/s2Faxg-drive